3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
