Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
