What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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