I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
