now i know why i became what i already was.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
