I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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