Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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