I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
