Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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