is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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