The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
