just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Randomize
