I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
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