I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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