Cold hands, warm shart.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
