I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
