fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
