You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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