Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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