Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
