Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
