Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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