Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Randomize
