Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
