just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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