brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Your dad touched me again.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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