The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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