I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
