Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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