Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Randomize
