My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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