Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
