if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
