proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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