Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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