She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
