So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Just high enough for therapy.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Never joke about your clitoris.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
