I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
