Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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