i need an iv and a liver transplant
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
