he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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