Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
