areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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