you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
