A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
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