I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
