but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
