come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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