I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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