So drunk its hurt
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
