When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
My vagina just clenched in fear
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