This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
