i just made my gag reflex go away.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
