JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
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