the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
