IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize
