i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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