I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
