That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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