worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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