Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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