I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
